As I said, I'm alive. In addition, a few weeks ago my editor (one ) gave me feedback on Chronicles and a short story I've written. Both were extremely positive. And she threatened me if I didn't finish Chronicles. The Locked Room mystery was accepted by and crew for pub in the upcoming magazine (hopefully I have't been replaced).
A few weeks ago I went on vacation. Didn't actually go anyway (which turned out to be a good thing, see below) but took time off and did stuff around the house, did mini-adventures with Beck, etc…
The week after vacation, my allergies and chronic pain kicked into full gear. Together. So for a week I hurt and felt like crap. Then, the cold went into full swing and I was miserable and basically camped out on the couch for a few days.
I haven't talked about this because… honestly I didn't know what do say and didn't want to have everyone giving sympathies and all that. Not that I don't appreciate them, but I never know what to do with them.
For the last year of so my mom has been sick. Not in the hospital sick but jut generally feeling like crap. Turned out the reason was because she had cancer and being the stubborn woman she is never went to the doctor. I want to say it was breast cancer but I can't find the communications back and forth right now but I know it was aggressive. They did radiation (and if it was breast likely removed either the tumor or the entire thing) and put her on meds that she would take the rest of her life. Apparently her body wasn't able to handle the full fledged chemo and this was the alternative (again, I can't find the stuff to give details).
All that was a while back. Last year or early this year. In the pictures I've seen of her since she didn't look good. She didn't look like mom at all.
Over the last few months she hasn't been feeling great and last week started having trouble breathing. Andrew (my step-father) finally convinced her to go to the doctor where they found several pulmonary embolisms (blood clots) and immediately had her admitted to the hospital. While there they discovered that her lungs and legs were riddled with clots, one of which concerned them. That was Tuesday of last week (Sept. 23). She died the next night.
They had done a biopsy of a couple of the 'clots' and found out that one was in fact a cancerous tumor that had attached and invaded a lymph node. It was very aggressive and they pretty much told us that it was simply a matter of time at that point and that it really didn't matter if she had come in a couple weeks earlier.
So she died on Wednesday and we left on Saturday to drive to Tennessee for the services and just got back.
So that's what has been going on and keeping me quiet (among other things)
Honestly, I have no freaking idea. The past few days have been a whirlwind. Over 2200 miles driven in less than 5 days, reconnecting with my brother (who I've grown distant from in the 8 years since I'm seen him), learning to forgive my step-father for the past…
But it hasn't actually hit me yet. Some of you might recall that I've said in the past that my mom and I weren't that close, and we weren't, but we did talk and we did communicate. It just wasn't all that often and tended to be short (both wanting to avoid starting another argument) so I haven't had that "Oh, I need to call mom…. damn" moment yet.
I will never again look at my phone and get nervous when I seen her name on the caller ID. I will never again get annoyed with her because she called me for the first time in months because she screwed up the task bar in Windows and can't figure out how to fix it.
I will never again hear her attempt to sing happy birthday on my voicemail.
She will never see me get published.
So for now I'm just trying to put things together, finding out which pieces are missing and how ti get along without them. Because no matter how little we spoke or saw each other there are bits of my life missing.
All I can say at this point is to forgive and forget. Hug those closest to you because even though she was sick, her actual death was unexpected and came suddenly. The last thing I was to her was a text telling her to rest (she had just gotten back from the biopsy surgery) and that I'd talk to her tomorrow. It was mere hours before she passed. Had I known I still would have called and told her I loved her and just listened to her vent and complain about the doctors and being in the hospital.
So, I'm not back yet. I need time to work things through. I don't know when Impossible Things will return or when I will get back to posting more regular, but I will eventually.