Fair Warning: I'm going to butcher the hell out of what I'm actually trying to say.

This is why I don't usually write anything about what I'm thinking of get into debates, because I often have trouble putting what's in my head into words that actually make sense.

Oh, and I ramble.  You've been warned.

Now that that's out of the way…  I was introduced today to an art form called Kintsugi, which is, in it's simplest terms, repairing broken pottery with resin mixed with precious metals. Basically not hiding the imperfections and 'brokenness' of the item. Through it I learned about Wabi-sabi, the Japanese world view on accepting imperfection. 

Both teach acceptance of what is, Kintisugi however takes it a step further. Not only does it not attempt to hide the damage but in fact celebrating it. In cases where the resin is mixed with gold or silver it is quite literally illuminated.

Now, this resonates with me for a lots of reasons, but mostly because I'm broken. Physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I accepted this a long time ago, but I hide it. I avoid people and 'things' when I'm not feeling well. When my pain is to the point I have to take pain killers (which I should probably do more often) I have a tendency to hide in my blankets and withdraw. 

We all do.

We hurt and we hide to protect ourselves. 

However it has changed who I am. What I am. 

As a kid, my nickname was Tigger because I never stayed still. I hardly slept and I was always active. I wrote, drew, painted, carved cities out of dirt, sketched galactic battle scenes, wrote stories, create RPG campaigns, ran track, played basketball, climbed trees, play video games, read comics… you get the idea.  

Now though… I might read. On the days when I'm not doing well, I might read a little. I haven't stopped having a bajillion ideas but I no longer have the energy to do them. I still don't sleep but I tend to disappear in the TV late at night (or Netflix) and not work on anything because I'm 'tired'.

I'm broken. And the physical damage is damaging the mental. Fear and doubt and anger get stronger every day.

I hide because it's all I want to do. I listen to music or watch videos because it doesn't really involve any effort from me. 

But this isn't what I want to be doing. I want to build my robots. I want to write Garden Wars and Chronicles. I want to film Lexington. 

I want to work in my garden. Play with the dogs. Go for walks.

I mention all that because I'm tired of hiding, tired of letting the damage be something I'm ashamed of. I don't know if the Kintsugi philosophy will make a difference, embracing the damage but it's worth a try. Because the absolute last thing I want to do is withdraw completely and give up on everything. 

I don't know that the stuff I'm toying around with will have any impact on anyone in any way, but I do think they are awesome and I want to do them and share them.

Embracing the damage, the brokenness won't make the pain go away. It won't make everything suddenly all rosey and full of rainbows. And I seriously doubt the Universe is done mucking with me.

Now, I just caught a glimpse of my Sandman comics and I'm going to go read those now and hide for a little while longer.