Originally written in ’96 or ’97
Darkness falls harshly around me, the edge of my world only
a few inches away. I can again see the glowing eyes of my
fears coming closer.
The monsters gather around the edge of the remaining light,
probing and poking like half remembered dreams the that haunt
us in the early morning.
I reach toward a vision of love I had, only to have a demon
rip it from my grasp, leaving my soul empty and longing.
I don’t dare remember for fear of losing what memories I have left.
As I look around, I name the beasts that stand just beyond my reach, tanting me, daring me to challenge them. But I cannot. Because I am once again afraid, afriad of losing myself, and my hope. A hope that is still new in my chest, still trying to find it’s fit. A hope given to me when my world was once lost and disguarded.
The icy grip of surrender grips me as I realize that I am again alone in the night, facing down the same demons I have faced a thousand time. Staring out into the nothing that is my future and my past I can see myself doing battle over and over again. Never giving up. Things are different now. I am weak, tired. Tired of figthing because I have forgotten what I am fighting for.
I call to you, and you are not there.
Were you a dream?
I pray that you were not, for I do not think I would be able to fight another fight against the creatures that plague my soul were
If you were not real then the love and faith that lives
within me would not be real either. That is my salvation, my one
saving light in this world of unending darkness and pain.
Peace settles over me like a blanket, enveloping my heart with its
warm touch as I recall you standing before me.. face to face, our
hearts overflowing with love.
Then I remember where you are, and I look out beyond the growing herd of beasts to the glimmering
castle beyond. It is then that I realize that I will have to battle
my way thru to get back to you.
As I take a deep breath, I think of you, and of your smiling face.
I think if all the times I heard you say “I love you”, and of all
the times I knew, and you didn’t have to say a word. I gather my strength from the fact that if only in my dreams, I was loved
without end.. without question.
My sword is my belief in you, the only weapon I have. As I peer
out into the black that surrounds me I know deep inside that you
are with me. I charge forward, not knowing wether I shall survive
this battle or not. But knowing that no matter what the outcome,
I am loved.